Dear reader please consider the following before indulging in this demonic work of fan fiction:
1- This is based on Twilight, a work of fiction that was sent to this earth in order to torture anyone with any semblance of reasonable thought.
2- Lo and behold, this is actually worse than Twilight! This series has achieved the IMPOSSIBLE! At least Twilight had an EDITOR, something this book had never seen. eg (CH 24): "Through the haze of light, I squint and see Christian leaning over me, smiling. Amused. Amused at me. Dressed! In black." WHAT PUNCTUATION IS THIS? THIS ACTUALLY MAKES NO SENSE, WHY ARE YOU EXCLAIMING BECAUSE HE'S DRESSED IN BLACK? (I thought it would be fun to know that between the first 2 books, this human uses the ellipsis (...) 10,109 times. ISN'T PUNCTUATION FUN?
3- It reads like a fourteen year old's account of ASSAULT and in no way represents the BDSM lifestyle let alone a relationship of any sort. Grey stalks the girl with his cell, makes her sign a contract to be his boxing bag, tell her what to eat and drink and how to dress and behave. He orders her to work out. He is horrified by her virginity and commences to correct the "situation" immediately. He follows her to her mother's when she decides she wants space then basically rapes her. The sight of her in the company of other males enrages him and he wants to beat her ("This is not a man I want to cross... ever"). She begs him not hit her ("Oh no... 'No...,' I protest, trying to kick him off."), clearly afraid and he does it anyway. She's afraid to use the safe words when she's uncomfortable because she's scared he won't like her any more. Even the language at the end, "I'm going to hit you" BDSM doesn't condone this and is supposed to be built on trust and mutual benefit NOT THIS OUTRIGHT VIOLATION OF HUMAN RIGHTS. I am disgusted and saddened that such pure abuse can be considered sexy. This writer clearly doesn't understand this type of relationship and hadn't bothered to research it.
4- This book is an example of full-out Plagiarism! The author didn't even bother with creating her own pathetic one-dimensional characters, they are stolen out of Twilight. They have the same physical characteristics, same emotional dependence (if can call what these inane simpering characters display "emotion") and the books actually reads exactly like Twilight only with a five-year-old's vocabulary and with insanity-causing repetition (the phrase "oh my" appears ten million times). I can't, for the life of me, understand why this human chose NOT to change a thing besides the names of her utterly soulless ripped off characters. ARE YOU THAT LAZY LADY? even the damn names are inspired by Twilight.
Besides that the terrible childish repetitive writing in this book made me suicidal. OKAY! WE GET THAT HIS PANTS HANG LIKE OH MY FROM HIS HIPS MOVE ON. And oh my god does this woman love her thesaurus, she uses words that are FLAT OUT WRONG, eg: "a quagmire of sensation.", "Another mercurial mood swing" and my favorite: "I turn into my pillow and the sluice gates open". At least the author of Twilight knows how to write like someone with a high school degree and I am appalled that that author hasn't sued this one for stealing her work.
5-The author, a British person who has greatly rocked my view of England's new writers, is like thirty million years out of date with the 21 year old American female. Her character doesn't have an email and can't believe she can buy tickets online (seriously?), is a virgin who has never dared touch herself (he explains masturbation to her because apparently the thought was unfathomable to her) and uses dated ("Holy mosses, cow, sh*t, f*ck" and calls he vagina "my sex", "down there" and "Somewhere Deep Deep Down", I kid you not) and British phrases "my pram" and refers to a braid as a plait. This cheapens this already cheap piece of PMS fiction. The author also seems to think Oregon is in Canada.
6- Oh and if you want to find out why this is theft, google "Master of the Universe" the fanfic this woman published with THE NAMES OF THE TWILIGHT CHARACTERS and IT IS EXACTLY THE FIRST BOOK IN THE SERIES. If you must read this tomfoolery, at least read that instead of wasting money on this. And Vintage has the nerve to say they are distinct? HA, Lies. Vintage says of MOTU and 50 Shades, "they were and are two distinctly separate pieces of work." Turnitin says they are 89% the same. This will get you kicked out of college. This ruins a career. This is a crime.
7-The sexual acts in this book are ridiculous and unbelievable, I don't believe the author had ever experienced sex. At one point (bathtub scene), I spat out in laughter. In another scene (Tampon incident) I genuinely questioned the sanity of this author and wanted to recommend psychiatric evaluation. I just don't understand how a virgin can go from being a novice to sex goddess in 12 hours. Also, being a medical student, I don't see that having one orgasm the first time is possible let alone five at his verbal command. Also, I can't see a girl who'd never seen boy parts in her life magically transform into aN oral sex queen. They have sex multiple times and after referring to the first time as "Rips through my virginity" Ana is only slightly sore and is ready for more in a couple of hours. Awesome! and get this: "But she assures me that this is what men expect these days..." Kate, The BFF, says. I vomit.
8-THE BOOK HAS NO PLOT WHATSOEVER, they meet and they hook up and then it's sexxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxxx at which point I was sure this author was joking when I saw that this is actually a series because THAT'S SO FUNNY AND HUMANLY IMPOSSIBLE. The whole book is about the girl contemplating whether to sign the contract all the while having sex with the fellow. I don't understand, wasn't the contract the means by which this abuse can commence? And yet, unfortunately, it commences anyway.
How can such terribleness not only come in one volume but THREE!? I cannot. I just cannot.
9-I frankly don't care if this is helping people in the sack. If sexual advice can be found in this disturbing abusive pathetic stolen collection of repeated words (this is not worthy of being called literature) then I don't want to live in this world any more. This says so much about the sick and aggressively stupid culture we live in. After this, I wished the apocalypse upon us. I wished the Mayans were right.
10-We've established that this isn't erotica (Please read the Sleeping Beauty series by Anne Rice if you want the excitement of the sex and understandable writing) but alas, it isn't a romance either. They fall in "love" because he's VERY VERY VERY HOT and she's simply the epitome of beauty and innocence but she doesn't know it. I don't understand how this is love.
The characters are so shallow and underdeveloped that I have read the work of eleven year olds' with better characterization.
Him: Adonis, tortured looking, extremely hot, pianist, Billionaire (really? he doesn't do much and he's 26 but he's a BILLIONAIRE) abusive, stalker (but that's so cute, right?) Literally: Genius Billionaire Playboy Philanthropist (woman beater is implied obviously).
Her: Tea, British books, IQ of a fluffy slipper but great skin, Schizophrenic (she has 2 voices in her head, a "sub-conscience" and an "Inner Goddess"...I've actually read quit a bit about personality disorders and I find it beyond disturbing that this person has two little people in her head that scold her and cheer her on in her sexual endeavors. This mirrors the definition of severe mental illness: see the Mental Health Foundation's website for more). I hated the character so much that I relished in her suffering. This f*cktard made me happy she was getting beaten. I didn't even want feminism to find her a victim here. That's how much I hate her.
Examples of her blatant and outrageous stupidity:
a) "I think ownership over another person is outlawed, throughout the US." I'm sorry, you think? You think it's outlawed? Only the US? America is the only civilization with this law... Has the word slavery never come up in your life Mrs. E. L. feces James?
b) "My medulla oblongata recalls its purpose." at this sentence, I reached for a razor and slit my throat. your medulla oblongata? Really! This woman googled parts of the brain and picked the most exotic sounding part. Reading this sentence caused me physical pain. Also "The frontal lobe of my cerebrum sneers at me." the frontal lobe is not for sneering people.
c)"Part of me wants to push him off mortified, embarrassed." This is her reaction him asking her for oral sex. Please note, last chapter, she established herself as the Girl without the Gag Reflex, so...Schizophrenia is the only logical explanation.
d)"The more girly I look perhaps the safer I'll be" Besides the fear and the abuse evident here, I cannot comment further.
e) She refers to the elevator's speed as "Terminal Velocity" You ignorant insolent ape-women. Terminal velocity is when the downward force of gravity equals the upward force of resistance. This makes net force zero and therefore acceleration also equals zero. TERMINAL DOESN'T MEAN FAST! And look at this: "He's got right under my skin, literally." Wow, so now he's in your epidermis? I love how a metaphor is LITERAL.
f) "His voice is warm and husky like dark melted chocolate fudge caramel... or something." This is a literature student...or something and WTF is a dark melted chocolate fudge caramel? Is it a mutant dessert? Every time she exclaimed about his hotness, a piece of me died..."My mouth goes dry looking at him ... he's so freakin' hot" and "I eye Christian's toothbrush. It would be like having him in my mouth." These are just a few of her many uses of her profound literary knowledge to describe her uncontrollable lust and how he brushes his penis with his toothbrush. This is my personal favorite: "Never trust a man who can dance."
11- Dear fellow humans, it is my duty as someone who suffered through this piece of feces before screaming and destroying it, to warn you that this is NOT worth a penny of your cash and that your minds will forever torture you if your curiosity leads you to these book. Don't given to the hype, please, I beseech you!show more
by Paul Gallagher